


Trapped in Hell.

by angelofthenightposts



Category: Avengers, Bucky Barnes - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Sebastian Stan - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-24
Updated: 2018-10-24
Packaged: 2019-08-06 21:18:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16395275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthenightposts/pseuds/angelofthenightposts
Summary: Bucky is afraid of intimacy, admitting his feelings for you. In order to protect himself, he breaks your heart but after two months he faces totally different and broken you.





	Trapped in Hell.

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr as @angelofthenightposts. Thank you for reading! xx

You were always in bad with your emotions, you felt every emotion to the hilt, and acting-out was your thing. When someone got the raw deal, you couldn’t prevent the burst of rage that warmed your fingertips, and you always stepped in. The people around you repeatedly warned that your anger would devour you. The time you spent in the gym has double up, you tried to vent your anger on the punch bags, and you wouldn’t stop until all your muscles started a riot against you. When you were happy, it didn’t happen a lot, but still, it was the most beautiful moments, you felt like on the clouds, you looked around as if everything made of cotton candy. As an agent, maybe you shouldn’t have had such feelings, sometimes you had to think about the consequences of your movements, but that was you. It was your thing to live all the emotions extra.

That night, you were standing on the far corner of the grand hall, a glass of champagne in your hand. Your gaze seemed to be locked on him, even if you didn’t want to. Your friends who have been closest to you for the last few months warned you over and over, but you ignored them and their disapproving gaze. He was right there, standing so close to the woman, what else you could do except staring at them? You watched his fingers caressing her arm, leaning over and whispering something to her ear. Bucky, as he did all night, once again leaned towards her and said something so funny that made the woman laugh. When Tony’s playlist he chose for this special night played the next song, you tried to take a deep breath to calm down. You were feeling like there were tons of weight on your chest, your breath trembling, because of the frustration of your throat was dry. After you’ve rolled the last sip on the bottom of the glass, you realized that it was a mistake to come here, who were you to have a little fun? After leaving the empty glass on the long roundtable, you turned the back. After making up an excuse to Tony about your last minute thing, you left the Avengers Tower.

When you got to one of the cars lined up in front of the exit, Happy was glad to give you a ride to home, after seeing the expression on your face, he felt obliged to do so. When the car moved and left the party, you turned your head out of the window. After you pulled out the buckle holding your hair together, it came with a couple of hair. Harming yourself wasn’t the best thing you could do, but it felt so good. After pulling your phone out of your purse, there was neither a missed call nor a message waiting for you. You were angry at yourself for expecting to see a message from Bucky asking where you were; did not you see for yourself that he was too busy to notice your absence? Why were you heartbroken, did you really think you were more than a friend to him? Did you think you were lover just because you two hooking up after long and miserable missions? Why were you feeling helpless now even though Bucky said he never felt more? Yeah, Bucky didn’t say he liked you. Yes, he repeated many times that he couldn’t want more without realizing how much he upset you. But you saw in his eyes, nobody could look at someone whom they don’t love. No one wanted to call someone they didn’t love in the middle of the night and talked for hours. Bucky and his fucked mind were caused you to go crazy and though you saw it a long time ago, you didn’t move a muscle to prevent your feelings.

Just an hour after you came home, when you were making a hot tea after the shower, you heard the doorbell. Your gaze turned to the steel-brown door, holding the piping hot mug carefully. To know who was on the other side of the door, you didn’t have to go and look. You knew that Bucky was expecting you, but were you ready to face him? When Bucky called your name before he pressed the doorbell one more time, he pressed his lips tightly. Would he give up if you kept acting like you weren’t at home? No, on the contrary, he’d started punching the door. When you took a deep breath and took the first step to the door, you pushed a lock of your moist hair behind your ear.

“Hi.” Is that it? Hello? Instead of opening the door all the way to the end and inviting him in, you looked at Bucky. The black shirt Steve convinced him to wear was a like a second skin on him, his sleeves rolled up, a button on the top opened, and when you saw his skin shining under the white light, you cleared your throat and looked up at the blue eyes that looked at you carefully. “Will you not invite me in?”

“Bucky … I don’t think it’s a good time, I’m really tired.” You were fully aware of the blue eyes checking you; you wished him would leave you alone with understanding. Bucky lifted his cold and metal hand closer to your face and you whined back. You being uncomfortable with his touch for the first time set both of you on your heels and you looked down at your bare feet.

“What’s going on? I saw you leaving the party early. I was going to catch up with you and offer you to a ride,”

"But you were busy with Debbie.” When you cut him off, Bucky lifted his eyebrows and sulked. He saw the disappointment, jealousy on your gaze, he glanced down like you.

“Yes.” you didn’t know if you should laugh or snort at his honest answer. Here was Bucky, doing the fucking same thing, driving you crazy.

“Well then, go and have fun.” Bucky took a step inside, as he reflexively grabbed the door that would slam in a moment.

“Is this all about Debbie? Are you so angry that I talk to her? "Bucky took his answer when you stayed quiet. He didn’t know how many times he had to tell you that he wasn’t interested in Debbie. After years of being away from love, for the first time, he felt a closeness to you, a strong affinity for his already wreck brain to create chaos. When he first met you, he thought he wouldn’t go any further, but come on, we are talking about you. The more he spent time with you, the more he connected to you. He wasn’t ready for this, wasn’t ready to take someone else into his fucked life, to care for you and to love you. Maybe that was why he spent all time with Debbie tonight; Bucky wasn’t having a good time laughing the jokes that weren’t funny.

"You sulked for two months since I joined the Avengers, Bucky. You’ve said many times that I’m not good enough, that you don’t need me, while I was in the room, with you. Now you are falling under our novice member. So, what makes Debbie better than me? Why aren’t you treating her like you did for me?” You would never let your emotions show, but something snapped in you. You waited for an answer from Bucky, with your eyebrows frowned. You wanted to know what she had that you couldn’t have as a woman, what was the more special thing that made her better?

"Y/N, I don’t understand why you’re so prejudiced against Debbie. If you try to overcome this jealousy and try to know her, you’ll see.” Bucky, he talked with a shrug and you dropped your jaw. There were dozens of things you wanted to hear tonight, but you never expected to see Bucky defending her like that.

“You’re the only one who loves her, Buck. That woman isn’t as good as you think, I know you’ll think I overdo all, but she’s not what you think. Of course, as long you continue to flirt with her, she will fall in love with you. And you’ll use her like you used me. ”

“Don’t you fucking-.” Bucky opened his mouth with anger, but he couldn’t finish, your last sentence broke his heart into thousands of pieces.

“What, am I wrong, Bucky? Or are you going to tell me that all of what we’ve lived is so beautiful as to be a part of the fairy tale? Are you going to tell me you didn’t come to my house, to my bed for just forgetting your loneliness? Are you going to tell me that I am more than a body for you? “You took one step closer to Bucky, who was almost backed to the wall, and you felt like you were drowning with his delicious cologne that spreads through your lungs; you hated that you could be so easily influenced.”Or will you say you love me? Are you willing to give up running away from your feelings and confess that you do love me? ”

“I can’t.” You shut your eyes with the two words you heard, snivelling and shaking your head. For the first time, you acted reasonably, your body begging you for more intimacy. When you held the doorknob, whispered to him,

“I thought so too. Goodbye Bucky.“

 

 

About two months later, your life was almost back to its old days, the nights you woke up with nightmares, you looked for him, wanted to feel his warm skin on your fingertips. But now, you admitted that the man wasn’t for you. Maybe that was why you were trying to spend every day on missions. For the last two months, you have gone to countries where you haven’t even heard the name before. Chasing the bad guys, burning the midnight oil was better than crying over Bucky.

"Your results look clean, Y/N. Your wounds are almost completely healed; your broken bone is knitted. You don’t have to come to check as long as you don’t have the flu anymore. "Doctor Cho smiled at you while you were lying in the bed. She could still remember the night they brought you, and you seemed dead enough to think it was too late for you. Now seeing your sarcastic smile on your lips put her mind at rest. "I still think you should rest before your next assignment. Do you still have insomnia?”

“Some nights, yeah. But the painkillers are as good as you told, causing me to doze off. "When your shoes touched to the white and clear floor, you stretched out to the jacket you left,” Thank you again for everything, Doc. I’m gonna go if there is nothing else.“ 

After saying goodbye to Dr Cho, you came out of the examination room, and you started walking in the hallway as the hospital smell reeking on you. When you turned left in the L-shaped corridor, you noticed the man who spoke to someone a little further ahead, and you were late to change your way before Steve seeing you.

"Y/N!” Steve caught you straight, even though you’d walked to the exit as if you had not heard him. He smiled at you when you lifted your eyebrows as if you were seeing the guy for the first time, “I shouted after you, but I guess you’re in the deep thoughts. What are you doing here?”

“I’m here for a check-up, actually I was just leaving.” Despite your escape attempts, Steve stepped back and carefully examined you.

“God, I didn’t see you for a few months, come here and give me a proper hug.” He took you into his arms before you objected. With the strong grip of the superhero, a whining escaped from your lips, all the newly healed wounds aching. Steve wasn’t sure what the problem was when he pulled back while arching a single eyebrow. He looked at your small and delicate body compared to his, and at that moment his gaze met with the red scar on your neck. He wanted to push your hair back to examine the wound more carefully, he was sure it wasn’t there the last time he saw you, and you were quickly pulled back one step.

“Steve,” there was something in your friend’s eyes that you needed for two months, interest.

“You were held captive, were not you?” You wouldn’t talk about the bitter details of your last mission while there were a lot of people around you; actually, you never wanted to talk about it. When Steve accepted your silence as a yes, he stood silent. He hated for having neglected you so much after what happened with Bucky, he hated himself for leaving you so alone that you wouldn’t run to him when you needed help. “You have to tell me everything; let’s go find a quiet place.” 

“Do not be so cruel to yourself, Steve. I didn’t give you any other choices, remember. "Steve pushed the cold cup away from his hands on the table while trying to absorbing what you told him in the last hour. Trying to imagine the hell you were in, being a captive in a country you didn’t know, and being exposed to torture … If there was someone else, they would stop waiting for the day to be saved, and they wouldn’t even try to survive. But you reminded Steve a strong woman in his life, the same courageous and powerful character that the man had once in love with. He now understood why Debbie suddenly disappeared from the SHIELD and that he thought the woman deserved a bigger punishment after betraying you.

"Still, I shouldn’t have allowed you to leave the team; I should’ve stopped you from leaving us that day. I had to tell you that you were making a mistake by joining another squad and that your real place was with us. If I were with you if any of us …”

"It’s okay, Steve. Look, here I am, alive. You can’t blame yourself for the consequences of my decisions. I thought I made the right decision that day, and I still think so. Bucky and I can’t be together, we can’t trust each other after what happened. That’s what’s best for us. "Steve wanted to tell you about Bucky’s last two months, about how aggressive and helpless he was. But after all this, he did not find the courage in himself. When your phone started buzzing on the table, you read the message on the screen.

"I’m sorry I have to go, my dog sitter is leaving in 20 mins. It was nice talking to you, Steve. Take care.”

“Y/N,” when Steve called after you, you stopped and turned your head to him. “How many times has he told you he doesn’t love you? That you can’t have a future together? ”

“All of this doesn’t matter anymore, Steve.”

 

Bucky scratched his forehead anxiously while waiting in the red light, trying to keep his gaze away from the file on the passenger seat. He already knew what written in it, he had read all the words again and again until they all excavated in his brain. Steve had thrown the file into his face without saying anything after storming in his room, and more than ten photographs sloshed around. At first, Bucky couldn’t make sense of what was happening, but when he bent over the photos on the floor, his breath cut off. He knew perfectly well where these long and deep cuts were taking place because he spent hours examining the tattoo next to the wound.

He has torn apart with each report he read, every photo he looked at while biting his lips harder to press his tears. He didn’t know how many times he went to Fury’s room to get news about you, never believed that the old man knew nothing, he even though you made Fury promise to not telling things about yourself. Nevertheless, he wished to know all of this before, and he wanted to wrap his soul around yours to heal you. He didn’t know how many nights he fell asleep by looking at the photo of you and your service dog and seeing you smiling wide help Bucky breathe for the first time after months. He remembered how excited you talked to him about wanting to get a dog when you two were lying in bed together, and when he remembered that he promised you to go to the shelter together but never did, he pulled his hair hard. When he parked the car in front of the apartment, he realized your new condo was in a quieter neighbourhood than your previous one, it was a few blocks from the park. He wasn’t brave enough to face you; he didn’t know what to fucking say. He knew the moment you see his face, you would slam the door on his face and he would beg you to open the door. When he saw a blonde girl leaving the building quickly, Bucky got off the car and ran to the apartment door before closing. In the last seconds, he grabbed it and entered into the cool building.

When the elevator reached your floor, he heard the sound of barking, could your dog have felt that he was coming? The more he got closer, the clearer he heard you scolding the dog about barking. Before he took a deep breath before ringing the doorbell, he got afraid of having a heart attack, his heart beating so fast and rapidly. He lifted his head from the ground and waited for you to open the door. While your dog followed you like a shadow, you tried to guess what your dog sitter just forgot about. Keys? Wallet? Phone? When you opened the door without even looking at, you clenched your teeth and frowned.

“Fuck, no.”

You tried to calm your thoughts while waiting for the water to boil in the small yet charming kitchen, which wasn’t so easy when there was a man waiting for you in the couch. When you jumped into place with the voice of kettle, you cursed and poured hot water equally into the two cups. You prayed to God to help you as taking the piping hot teas to the living room. Bucky lifted his gaze from the brown dog with the footsteps, hesitating from the animal showing his teeth from the moment he stepped inside. The pets really act like its owner, so your dog hated him as much as you did. “Thank you.” Bucky, when he wanted to take the cup, you did your best so that your hand didn’t touch his; you put your cup on the coffee table and sat in the seat. While Bucky was taking a sip of tea, he ran his gaze at your new home, most of the furniture he knew from your previous home, but the books in the library were new. “Posttraumatic stress disorder.”

“So Steve told you everything,” That was exactly why you didn’t tell anyone what you were going through, and you didn’t want anyone to know it except you and the therapist. “But you didn’t have to come here.”

“I needed to see how you are. I didn’t come here to ask what happened there, although I’m dying to know, I won’t bother you. "When you were grateful for his understanding, you needed to wet your dry throat with some hot tea. Bucky looked at you when he reached his cup. His focus was on the scar, which was shown every time you bent. He wanted to see the scar covering almost half of the right side of your neck. When you felt his gaze, you tried to pull the cardigan and hide it.

"What… What happened to you?” When Bucky couldn’t hold himself, his voice was no different than a whisper, almost heartbreaking. For the first time after seeing him at the door, you looked up at the blue irises and bit your bottom lip. When you glanced out of the window, your dog noticed your anxious state and he lazily came to you. He lay on your feet and leaned his head against your legs; you smiled at him and stroked your head.

“When Debbie and I caught on crossfire, we already knew that we had to surrender a little later, no matter how much we tried. When I opened my eyes after the rabbit punch, I was in a place like a cave, there were so many handcuffs between the chair and my body that I thought it was pointless to try to escape. They, um, they tortured before questioning, electricity, hot iron, starve. I don’t know how many days I tried to survive with the least amount of water and food they gave me. I didn’t know if Debbie was alive, didn’t know what would they do more. I didn’t know Debbie tried to elude while I was trying to stay loyal to my homeland, to my mission. Even after all the intelligence, she gave them, she didn’t look at me once while leaving freely and she didn’t even try to save me. ”

“What happened then?” Bucky left all the rest of the world on one side and only listened to you, watched you, he cared about you. When you tried to get rid of the effects of ruthless memories by shrugging your shoulders, you already knew the nightmares were coming back.

“When you are a prisoner, you know that there is no hope for you. You think what you leave behind, you try to find out if there’s a better life for you. Will they try to find your corpse, you wonder if they will grieve for you. I don’t have anyone, Bucky. I don’t have a family, a life I dying to return to. But as I waited helplessly for my death, I thought of only one thing, you. I hoped to be able to see you again, wished you’d be safe. "When you stroked your dog, you lifted your head and looked at the man, there was a bitter smile on your lips. “I’ve spent all this time wondering and worrying about you. You didn’t think of me once?”

"I had no idea where you were, how you were but I thought of you. Always. I constantly thought about what you told me that night. I questioned whether I was too coward to even confess my feelings to myself. I fought here with my stupid feelings when you were fighting for your life on one side of the world. "Bucky got up from his seat and disturbed the dog between you and his body by coming closer to you and looked into your eyes.”Now seeing you so strong after you’ve got through proves how stupid I am. I made a mistake by running away from a woman like you, trying to get you out of my life. ” 

Bucky lifted his trembling hand and paused before touching your face, you could see that he was waiting for permission. When he gulped with his breath on your face, he pushed your hair back. You shut your eyes with his touch, holding yourself back to not hugging him.

“I could not be with you, I could not protect you. I am the reason for all these, I am the reason bad things happened to you. "Bucky grabbed your chin with his index finger and lifted your face up. As soon as you realized what was going to happen, a tear left your eye and flicked down his finger. "Ah, Y/N.”

“Bucky, stop.” When you pulled back, afraid of the distance between you, Bucky ran his gaze across your face. He was willing to take your loneliness, fears, and sorrows. “I don’t want this; I can’t do it to myself. I can’t throw myself into your arms as if nothing happened, living the same things once again will really kill me this time. ”

“Y/N,” You shook the head at Bucky and got up from the seat, he turned his head and watched you walking the big window. He watched how you folded arms to protect yourself, tried to calm your trembling body. “Tell me what you need me to do, I’ll do it. I’ll do it anything for you.”

“Leave me alone, go and never come again.”


End file.
